Way Back

Ok so I am one of those that when I was little I thought I was fat…I didn’t eat in order to lose and not gain.  Got together with my now husband that forced me to eat as I had bruising on my ribcage I was so underweight.  I began throwing up I would eat to please him excuse myself to brush my teeth and throw it all up before it had time to affect those numbers on the scale.  In this mix I got pregnant….Midway thru the pregnancy I finally realized it wasn’t just me there was a life outside my own to think about.  I knew what I was doing was bad for my body and when it was only mine I didn’t care it was all about being thin.  But now there was this little being and was it fair to endanger her life as well?? NO it wasn’t.  At dr.s office visits I had to stand on the scale backwards and told to not give me the numbers as I couldn’t handle it.

I gained 72lbs during this pregnancy…I lost all of 20lbs and never another ounce.  My body was so malnourished that it kept most of what I gave it.  I excersized my butt off, but couldn’t really bring myself to fully stop eating again.  Something about that 9lb beauty and nearly dying giving birth to her put a new perspective on life even though I still struggled with losing the weight….Everyone said I looked great for having just had a baby…I couldn’t see it.

I was NEVER happy with my body…I wish I could have been because NOW I really know what it is like to be overweight and long to look like I did then.  I am not going to go thru all the struggles I had because it isn’t the point of this blog.  I just wanted to give a starting point.  I was around 154lbs in these photos.  I was healthy and so that is probably my goal…do I need to be a size 5 again…no.  I am older and wiser so to speak and right now would love to just be under 200lbs and I would probably be content honestly.

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