Just Don’t Know

Anything anymore…you do everything right from eating healthy, to going as natural as possible with your healthcare getting out of debt, feeding and raising our kids healthy not in front of video games and not letting them do whatever they want til wee hours of when ever to working for what we have and not living off of assistance and still…STILL this happens.  Friday will be 3 weeks since we got the news Carl has cancer.  He backslid once since being out and had to go back over this past weekend.  He was out the next day and still he may have a slight infection going on but the only symptoms he is having now on that currently is severe night sweats.  I am talking drench the sheets need a towel sweats.

I want to get away from all of this WHAT did we do so f’ing wrong??  That everytime we finally see daylight in what we want out of life we are slapped down again so f’ing hard we can’t see straight and have to dig ourselves out again!!!  After today I can’t handle anymore right now I am over it WTF seriously.  My brain is on such an overload.  Our lives changed in an instant and before that moment it use to be a phrase now it is reality beyond what I want to admit to.  We keep saying we still move forward no matter what…right now I can’t see the forest from the trees and have no clue where to go from here.  The last near 3 weeks we have been riding this roller coaster and going with the motions of what is said is the next step.  Told today that from a surgical stand point he could just about go back to work…from radiation/chemo standpoints more like Octoberish since he is a driver and treatment causes fatigue.  Granted different levels for everyone but since he would be behind the wheel and his 2 yr Class A license physical is coming up in September he would never pass right now.

Without treatment they only give him maybe a 40% survival rate as where the cancer did not spread from what they see right now since the cancer had broken the bowel walls and into the surrounding fatty tissue there is no guarantee cells aren’t in his body.  With treatment they give him a 70-80% survival rate.  After we hit 5 yrs he will be considered “cured”.  Even with treatment it doesn’t mean that in the next 5 years this doesn’t come back again.  In the beginning I was numb-in shock, scared is still with me he is my whole world and would be lost w/o him, confused I think was in there somewhere obviously you think you are doing everything right and still one can get so sick it isn’t funny, I think Anger is setting in for Carl…not so much for me yet.  Cancer of this area is such a private thing and where part of me really wants to talk to someone about how I am feeling so I can try to remain strong to help support my husband thru this…I also feel so terrible about talking about such a private area of ones body.  Does that sound crazy I mean it is still cancer and it is still a very real and scary situation so why the embarrassment??

The positive side of me KNOWS there has to be better days ahead but I can’t think that far ahead just yet.  Currently lucky if I sleep past 4 a.m. just so much on the brain and then there is the family.  Our little man is taking this so very hard and just doesn’t understand today he thru away all his cars as he is blaming dads job and always taking him away for work.  Just a couple days ago Benjamin finally had his breakdown.  Bless his heart I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  He was blaming everyone from his sisters, to the dogs, to Carls job for this…and God.  Said God was just sitting on his butt while evil punched his dad in the gut his words and said with deep emotions.  Carl and I both were waiting as he like everyone else has been going with the motions to whatever was presented next.  We had a good long talk, cry, hug session and he leveled out a bit.   Until now he hadn’t really talked about it but you could tell it was all bothering him pretty bad.  


Emotions…nah don’t have those they are so over rated in situations like this…LOL j/k there are more emotions than I could ever talk about really right now.


Support we got friends, family and people we don’t even know have all been there and praying and saying upbeat things to help us out.  To all of you/them I say thank you with all my heart.

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One thought on “Just Don’t Know

  1. Ami says:

    I wish I had advice and help for you.I'm just one of those strangers sending good thoughts your way.I'm so sorry that something like this has happened to such a nice family. It's not fair. It's not right.It's okay to be angry and feel desperate and be scared and it's very much okay to talk about it.((hugs))

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