Here we go again

Well my predictions are already nearly all wrong.  Well I did write 2011 not the next day but 5 days later for 2 days I kept writing 2011 so had to go back over all the paperwork done during those days lol.  I did get my hair done with my husband going to the salon with me and helped me pick out the color and he did an amazing job.  Everyone has loved it.  I have forgotten my makeup a couple days.  Losing weight:)  Back down to where I was weight wise when Carl was dx in 2010 back into my jeans morning was off to a great start and went downhill in the afternoon.  Then Jan 17th arrived and already my predictions have gone haywire.

January 17, 2012 will be about as unforgettable as May 21, 2010  1 1/2 years after initial diagnosis is shown scans from July 2011….No nothing showed up, Labs from July and October were normal.  January 17th stage 4 liver cancer!!  The words from the dr. you might have a year, with chemo maybe two.  He requested permission to send to specialists in Denver to which of course we agreed to in hopes he was wrong.  January 20 7:30 a.m. call comes in PETscan scheduled for Tuesday morning they still feel it is stage 4 and want to see if it has spread other places such as lungs or bone.  So many friends/family are there and are praying.  I hesitated saying anything but to those that really needed to know, but of course you slip and say something and they are like wait what did you just say.  I am crying in my sleep, tears start falling down my face out of the blue while I am doing something even makeup doesn’t seem to be able to keep up with my red teared up face:(

Thru research we came across something called Cesium Chloride.  Carl really wants to give this a shot, I am on the fence and the dr. flat won’t discuss the option.  We trade from a chance of stopping the cancer in its tracks for heart issues.  My dad passed away after years of heart health issues and not sure I can watch my husband with the same illness only his induced to stop something else that is trying to take him from me.  No matter what we choose to do it may cause more harm than good.  I don’t want to say I am stopping, giving up or quitting….but what I am saying is what is his life going to be like if we leave well enough alone and live our lives with what he has left vs the quality if we try all these other methods of maybes. Tomorrow is not a guarantee for anyone I know this and so I feel what do we have to lose right? My heart and head are totally not on the same page.  One side says what do we really have to lose in trying it could help him stay here long enough to see at least one daughter down the aisle who knows maybe a grandchild to hold…heck maybe even see his other 2 kids graduate:)  Then there is the side of me that is worried about quality of life and spending all the what could be family cherished moments going from hospitals, dr. appts, tests etc.  Do we put the kids thru this watching their father die slowly fighting for his life or live every day as if it is the last and make cherished memories for them to have to carry them thru what they will sure to have difficult moments later.

As for today we are going to go to the outdoor show as a family and just enjoy the day for what it gives and try to not think about the news we were handed.  After we will go to the stables for a little horse riding and possibly a start to Kelda’s Senior photos. Will put up a few later from her session.  She was waiting for snow and was thinking we might have to drive to it since Billings was forgetting it was winter lol. That is the awesome news this month our baby girl is graduated!!

Only the girls know, Benjamin we have chosen to hold off until Tuesday to say much to him.  After that it will be obvious….Carl is edgy, I am emotional….Martina McBrides song really hit me last year when it came out.  It can pertain to more than just breast cancer with the emotional roller coaster in case you haven’t heard it get kleenex and have a listen, maybe you have heard it…maybe it needs to be heard again.

Honor the process, everything in life is a process, and stay in the moment right now… these words spoke to me today from a dear friend..I must write these down so when I look back I can remember what was said.  She has been my rock thru this though she is going thru a very similar situation now with her own husband…they are ex coworkers just 2 amazing strong guys and now in differing forms fighting for their lives due to their liver.

No matter what the future may hold he will always be my cowboy and amazing father to our children


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