To My Friends and Family –
Hey hi how are you? Unless you really want an honest answer, you won’t ask me that. You see, I’ve lost not just my spouse, I’ve lost a part of myself. I’ve lost my whole world, so everything right now is dark and stormy. I know you are trying to understand, to process this so you can help me. But until you are in this position you can’t fully understand. Please don’t try to equate this gigantic hole that I have with a loss of your own. It’s not the same.I’ve had miscarriages, I’ve lost a father, grandmother, pet etc….those things mostly you are born into…your spouse is someone you get to choose to live in this life and go thru everything with. I got very fortunate and found an amazing guy when I turned 18 no less and I can’t imagine there being another man out there for me that is as good as he has been all these years. I understand you want to help me, but by doing that you aren’t. I am a complete space cadet right now. Chances are good that I will forget the conversation we are having five minutes after we finish, I will forget how to do simple things, and I will forget that there is a world outside myself. Right now I am trying so very hard to process this and it is so hard. My brain has shut down in an effort to preserve itself because my body is under extreme stress. Grief is not just mental, it’s physical too. For now I need this to happen. Please be patient with me. Over time things will get better, just not right now. I know you care and if you see me floundering reach out as best you can. I know I sleep a lot sometimes, and sometimes I don’t sleep at all. I know I eat too much, and sometimes not at all right now mostly not at all when I do I get sick, but I do try. I know I am all over the map; I’m having a hard time processing everything so even the small things are monumental. Unfortunately, for now, I’m a bit like a toddler. I don’t know what I want but I know what I DON’T want. I don’t want you to tell me that they are better off. My brain might grasp this, but my heart does not. I don’t want you to tell me that this is God’s plan or God’s will. That may be true, but I am angry that my husband isn’t here with me physically anymore. This defies reasoning to me, so being told that this was orchestrated beyond me will just piss me off. I am angry enough, and I don’t want to spew that out on you. Don’t tell me better things are to come…really I can’t imagine when I had an amazing husband and my kids had a fabulous father. I don’t want you to tell me things that you can’t know without a crystal ball: you’ll be ok, you’ll find someone else, it’s what they would have wanted, or anything like that. Carl and I actually against my want had that conversation. I know what his wishes were and when the time is right or if it is ever to be again I will know. I want you to love me the only way you know how: by treating me the way you always have, but with a little extra care. Check up on me more than you think necessary. Sometimes that phone call will be the thing that gets me out of bed that day. Help me with things that normally I would know how to do on my own. Offer to cook or clean or do my laundry or help me pay my bills. This goes back to the space cadet thing. I also have little attention span (shiny moment syndrome) so be patient when you have to remind me repeatedly or repeat yourself over and over. I am going to be all over the map emotionally. Let me talk when I need to, cry when I need to, be silent when I need to. I know your ESP is broken, but you don’t need to be a mind reader. I just need you to be you. Talk to me, talk with me. I love you and when things start to look better I will never forget how you were there for me when I needed you. I hope this helps you understand me. I have a hard enough time understanding myself right now. So if you want to know how I am truly doing….I don’t want to give you the same answer someone got in the early days that my soulmate was ripped from my life I am doing fabulous thanks for asking. Please I know you just don’t know what else to say but right now that is probably the worse thing to ask at least in the sense of how I am doing in relation to the delicate time at hand.
missing my one true love, my cowboy, my forever soulmate 6/10/59 – 03/23/12