Week 5 Missing you terribly

I just want to go back… have one night in the past… just the two of us, laughing, joking… just smiling… I miss it… I miss us -I am not use to this me stuff…I am trying to learn how to move on with life, when a life that was so close to mine has stopped.  I still say things like us and we.

hard to believe it has been 5 weeks and most days we are doing good.  Grief is an emotion like no other. You think it’s gone away..think you’re doing SO good, and then it taps you on the shoulder when you least expect it..Not a day goes by without something reminding me of you. The truth is that I miss you.  You hated it when i was sad, and hated it when i cried, but today you’re not here to wipe the tears from my eyes and the past 3 days tears have been falling from the sky.  Wishing we could curl up together and enjoy the drops falling on the roof, watch a movie together.

This week the carnival was in town we hit it up we had fun.  Rode the Ferris wheel with Benjamin, enjoyed some cotton candy and Kelda won the water balloon contest and got a stuffed panda bear.

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I finally found a “Hope” bracelet I really liked and guess what I didn’t hem and haw about purchasing it from the Relay for Life. I bought it with you on my mind.  Cancer sucks plain and simple.  It takes so much from a family.  You died too young…now all I have left are memories of you in a frame…in my head…and in my heart.  I pray one day fewer and fewer are dealt the horrible wrath of this disease.

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Afterwards we enjoyed a dinner that was donated to us from the cafe.  I remember the first meal we had there.  We sat at the same table and it was a nice dinner for the kids and I.  Benjamin got his and Inger said truckers eat well, Benjamin decided it was a meal fit for a king.  This alone was the meal Benjamin ordered.

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Last night we went to a birthday party for Brooke.  Amazing how fast time flies and before you know it things change.  In the moment seems so slow then you look back and it hardly seems it has been so long.  I am keeping all this in mind as I heal and deal with this grief.  When someone you love leaves this world, there is no “getting over it”. There is only “learning how to live your life again without them”  I really am trying and most days feel like I am doing great.  These tears don’t make me weak, they mean I still love you, that I remember you, and I wish you were still here. I will gladly cry forever to never forget.

Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. The sense of loss must give way if we are to value the life that was lived.  Life may take you where you least expect it but always have faith that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

live the moments and love your memories……you definitely don’t know what tomorrow will bring

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