8 weeks When to stop Counting

When do we stop counting years, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds??

Interesting question that came up in Widows group

The passing of a loved one marks a major moment in time

just like the birth of your children, yourself, the day you met, the day you married

and so on.  Monday the 21st marks 2 years since that earth shattering moment

that forever more changed our lives when Carl was initially dx and had surgery

I remember like it was yesterday how traumatized and in shock

I was, we all were.

I remember thinking my day was totally rocking

I had lost around 32lbs

fitting into jeans I hadn’t in awhile

the day rocked alright in ways I never anticipated and not

all for the greater good.  It was definitely a day of change

so yes I even count the months that have now turned into years of that moment.

I don’t think you ever stop counting the moments that take your breath away good or bad.

This week brought a letter that the cornea of Carl’s eyes were transplanted

Never thought they would send a letter of update or that they would go to more than one person

but 2 people were gifted sight due to Carl.

because of his gift of being a donor.

Now this wasn’t to say this was an easy decision for me, but it was on his license

he wished to be a donor and due to the circumstances his eyes

are all that could be donated

this actually freaked me out a bit and further freaked me out when

getting the letter stating one is here in the USA and the other…

Saudi Arabia???  Really??  You are telling me there was not one other

suitable donor here in the entire US for the other?

Inger said hey dad said he would never go to an Arab country with her

(females must be escorted by a male) I said well technically he didn’t go with her

he went ahead of her lol.  Her desire has always been Egypt.

I cut Benjamins’ hair for the first time…well shaved it as that is his wishes.

He has the gift of amazing hair that grows super fast and do you think he

appreciates it? No! of course not!!  Which is fine I don’t like guys with long hair,

but some hair would be nice but his grows so fast he would assume just shave it off.

3 Days ago you could see his scalp as of tonight it is very much a fuzzy bear.

He said I did a good job which made me feel good that I accomplished something

that was time between he and his father.  I really worried about

cutting him.  Instead he was giggling the whole time because it tickled.

I had Benjamin bent over the trash can outside and the neighbor

thought he was sick and puking …I said no that was the other night

after we ate Chinese due to laziness and not wanting to cook on my part

would have been better off having not eating and tossed the money in the trash as that is where

the food ended up anyhow.  Benjamin and I got so sick from our dinner

it isn’t funny.  We spent a good 24hrs not feeling very good.

Loving the new car, house searching, Prepping for a trip East

the kids are super excited about all the above.

Benjamin is bothered by everything reminds him of Carl

and it makes him sad.  No matter how much I tell him

these memories and feelings are okay, it is even okay to cry

and you can see in his eyes he wants to but refuses to do so.

Says it all just annoys him.

The girls went to a Zombie Prom benefit for cancer

they had a blast and even got to meet Robert Payne aka Little Turd

from the movie Tremors.

They got to chatting with him and turned out his dad

too passed of Liver Cancer which is why he does these benefits.

They even got his autograph as well as the childstar that played Chuckie.

Anyhow Tremors was a favorite among the kids and Carls to watch

so to see someone from the show in our town at an event like this

it really made their night.

Inger won the “brain eating contest” and declared herself

still the champ lol.  A few years ago at the county fair in Helena

she won a watermelon eating contest amongst several boys

and they were so upset to had been beaten by a girl.

Kinda a slow week not much happened.

took a drive to Red Lodge kids ran around a bit with the dogs

Lucy found a new home and moved to Townsend.  She will get to work at the hardware store

and probably go into agility.  This was she and Inger taking a break watching Bug and Panda.

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation,

one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever?

If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back

I daily wish I had just one more day, one more moment, one more I love you, one more hug.

one more, one more, one more….

I won’t say 8 weeks brings easiness of the pain of this great loss because it is indeed harder.

Each day and week I think I become gradually less and less numb.

Each day I feel I have less and less answers to the whys the kids ask

why did it have to be dad, why did dad have to go before my first hunt,

why why why why why…. I don’t have answers.

Some days I feel like he had all the answers

All I can do is listen and pray for guidance to lead them

that maybe it isn’t the whys.  Maybe his time was completed, he did what he needed to do

Doesn’t make it fair to our human nature side of things.

My spiritual side knows he is here in all that we do.

To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever

Music has definitely become an anodyne to our grief.

This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it.

Is this to say some one new and special won’t be allowed in

I hope not.  I hope I can share and show another the love we shared

I would never allow it to replace what we have…why would I?

You are very much a part of who and why I am the way I am today

as well as our children

I keep thinking of your very serious question

Would I allow myself to fall in love again, would I remarry

it is much much too soon for me in these depts

but I can say when the time or if the time is right

and presents itself I hope that I see it and can open up my heart

to another, I hope our kids will be able to do so as well.

I know my broken heart will never seal back up, it will be like Benjamin’s

broken femur it never healed back up quiet the same

he will never be a runner as a result of that break, not that I suspect he ever had a desire

he likes to stop and smell the flowers so to speak and see the world around him.

He will always walk a little different.  I am sure I will not love the same as I did you

You were a one of a kind as was our special bond and love for each other.

So something I have come to realize this week is

When someone you love dies

you don’t lose them all at once;

you lose them in pieces over a long time —

the way the mail stops coming,

and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers.

Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone.

Just when the day comes —

when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they’re gone, forever —

there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.

The mailbox was being flooded with his mail

it is getting less and less

Calls still come in about puppies and I know one day that too

may slow down

There is going to be that person you run into you haven’t seen

in awhile and you have to tell them what happened

Just when you think they are gone forever something

comes and reminds you they are not.  They are very much still with you

in spirit.  This week for me it was letter from the eye bank, an email for a puppy.

I am sure here in the coming days or short couple weeks it

will be the autopsy letter.

 This much I do know!!!  I will be okay.

You are gone but never forgotten

Although we are apart your spirit very much lives within me and our children

If Love could have saved you

You would have definitely lived forever 🙂

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