When do we stop counting years, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds??
Interesting question that came up in Widows group
The passing of a loved one marks a major moment in time
just like the birth of your children, yourself, the day you met, the day you married
and so on. Monday the 21st marks 2 years since that earth shattering moment
that forever more changed our lives when Carl was initially dx and had surgery
I remember like it was yesterday how traumatized and in shock
I was, we all were.
I remember thinking my day was totally rocking
I had lost around 32lbs
fitting into jeans I hadn’t in awhile
the day rocked alright in ways I never anticipated and not
all for the greater good. It was definitely a day of change
so yes I even count the months that have now turned into years of that moment.
I don’t think you ever stop counting the moments that take your breath away good or bad.
This week brought a letter that the cornea of Carl’s eyes were transplanted
Never thought they would send a letter of update or that they would go to more than one person
but 2 people were gifted sight due to Carl.
because of his gift of being a donor.
Now this wasn’t to say this was an easy decision for me, but it was on his license
he wished to be a donor and due to the circumstances his eyes
are all that could be donated
this actually freaked me out a bit and further freaked me out when
getting the letter stating one is here in the USA and the other…
Saudi Arabia??? Really?? You are telling me there was not one other
suitable donor here in the entire US for the other?
Inger said hey dad said he would never go to an Arab country with her
(females must be escorted by a male) I said well technically he didn’t go with her
he went ahead of her lol. Her desire has always been Egypt.
I cut Benjamins’ hair for the first time…well shaved it as that is his wishes.
He has the gift of amazing hair that grows super fast and do you think he
appreciates it? No! of course not!! Which is fine I don’t like guys with long hair,
but some hair would be nice but his grows so fast he would assume just shave it off.
3 Days ago you could see his scalp as of tonight it is very much a fuzzy bear.
He said I did a good job which made me feel good that I accomplished something
that was time between he and his father. I really worried about
cutting him. Instead he was giggling the whole time because it tickled.
I had Benjamin bent over the trash can outside and the neighbor
thought he was sick and puking …I said no that was the other night
after we ate Chinese due to laziness and not wanting to cook on my part
would have been better off having not eating and tossed the money in the trash as that is where
the food ended up anyhow. Benjamin and I got so sick from our dinner
it isn’t funny. We spent a good 24hrs not feeling very good.
Loving the new car, house searching, Prepping for a trip East
the kids are super excited about all the above.
Benjamin is bothered by everything reminds him of Carl
and it makes him sad. No matter how much I tell him
these memories and feelings are okay, it is even okay to cry
and you can see in his eyes he wants to but refuses to do so.
Says it all just annoys him.
The girls went to a Zombie Prom benefit for cancer
they had a blast and even got to meet Robert Payne aka Little Turd
from the movie Tremors.
They got to chatting with him and turned out his dad
too passed of Liver Cancer which is why he does these benefits.
They even got his autograph as well as the childstar that played Chuckie.
Anyhow Tremors was a favorite among the kids and Carls to watch
so to see someone from the show in our town at an event like this
it really made their night.
Inger won the “brain eating contest” and declared herself
still the champ lol. A few years ago at the county fair in Helena
she won a watermelon eating contest amongst several boys
and they were so upset to had been beaten by a girl.
Kinda a slow week not much happened.
took a drive to Red Lodge kids ran around a bit with the dogs
Lucy found a new home and moved to Townsend. She will get to work at the hardware store
and probably go into agility. This was she and Inger taking a break watching Bug and Panda.
Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation,
one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever?
If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back
I daily wish I had just one more day, one more moment, one more I love you, one more hug.
one more, one more, one more….
I won’t say 8 weeks brings easiness of the pain of this great loss because it is indeed harder.
Each day and week I think I become gradually less and less numb.
Each day I feel I have less and less answers to the whys the kids ask
why did it have to be dad, why did dad have to go before my first hunt,
why why why why why…. I don’t have answers.
Some days I feel like he had all the answers
All I can do is listen and pray for guidance to lead them
that maybe it isn’t the whys. Maybe his time was completed, he did what he needed to do
Doesn’t make it fair to our human nature side of things.
My spiritual side knows he is here in all that we do.
To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever
Music has definitely become an anodyne to our grief.
This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it.
Is this to say some one new and special won’t be allowed in
I hope not. I hope I can share and show another the love we shared
I would never allow it to replace what we have…why would I?
You are very much a part of who and why I am the way I am today
as well as our children
I keep thinking of your very serious question
Would I allow myself to fall in love again, would I remarry
it is much much too soon for me in these depts
but I can say when the time or if the time is right
and presents itself I hope that I see it and can open up my heart
to another, I hope our kids will be able to do so as well.
I know my broken heart will never seal back up, it will be like Benjamin’s
broken femur it never healed back up quiet the same
he will never be a runner as a result of that break, not that I suspect he ever had a desire
he likes to stop and smell the flowers so to speak and see the world around him.
He will always walk a little different. I am sure I will not love the same as I did you
You were a one of a kind as was our special bond and love for each other.
So something I have come to realize this week is
When someone you love dies
you don’t lose them all at once;
you lose them in pieces over a long time —
the way the mail stops coming,
and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers.
Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone.
Just when the day comes —
when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they’re gone, forever —
there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.
The mailbox was being flooded with his mail
it is getting less and less
Calls still come in about puppies and I know one day that too
may slow down
There is going to be that person you run into you haven’t seen
in awhile and you have to tell them what happened
Just when you think they are gone forever something
comes and reminds you they are not. They are very much still with you
in spirit. This week for me it was letter from the eye bank, an email for a puppy.
I am sure here in the coming days or short couple weeks it
will be the autopsy letter.
This much I do know!!! I will be okay.
You are gone but never forgotten
Although we are apart your spirit very much lives within me and our children
If Love could have saved you
You would have definitely lived forever 🙂