The missing months

Figured maybe it would help to fill you in on the rest of the story.

Thankful to Facebooks new timeline actually as it got my up to the moment feelings and now

that I am ready to sit down and blog it

they are all there as if I had sat and written them in my journal.

You obviously by now know the cancer came back and Carl passed away but what about the time in between??

January 17th was suppose to mark the beginning to putting Cancer life behind us and

moving on.  Carl was starting to feel better, more human only it brought more sorrow news.

Carl had a tumor on his liver.

The dr. went over and over the scans with us from October how can this be?

how did he go from nothing in October to a 3.3cm tumor in January….

instantly my thoughts went back to original surgery could that cyst like formation feel

actually have been a tumor in the making?

But yet it has never shown up on any scan in 1 1/2 yrs so the dr. assures us no

it was mostly likely just that -a cyst.

So he went from Stage 2 colorectal to stage 4 liver.

Jan. 18th very sour attitude on my part:

All I got is a negative, scared attitude and all I can say F cancer.

you have taken everything that means anything I will not allow you to take my hope.

january 19th it was very frigid outside and I decided that about summed up things

Jan 20th: Will know more Tuesday what the plan of attack is. Petscan on Tuesday to see if this has spread such as lungs or bone…or what more in detail we are looking. If no spreading goal is to shrink it, go to Denver and try to resect it. Either way they aren’t giving a lot of hope. I am going to hold on to hope that some alternative methods we are going to discuss with the naturopath on Monday and ability to shrink this all will help. Dr. will not even consider discussing cesium chloride due to the damage it will do to the heart. That is my stumbling block anyhow in trying that method after watching my own father suffer heart conditions since I was 7th grade and died when I was in my 20s. So continue prayers that light will shine thru somewhere.

Jan 21: aside from panic attack when we got home to Benjamin’s dog missing today has been a great day. Pretty much now guessing we know how Sam ended up a shelter dog…he is an escape artist.  Even knows how to unlock doors and let himself out.  Went to the outdoor show saw quiet a bit there from black bears, boats, alpacas, kids got to fish, RVs -found my next dream home 5vr etc then hit up the mall to find Ingers fav store didn’t close only moved locations and then she had to ride the carousel and a zombie person came over and hoped on after banging his head on the top. Off to the stables then pick up some drinking water now home relaxing. Hope everyone else had a great day.

Jan 22: EXACTLY what I am trying to tell Carl. He hates that he “wasted” 10 yrs as a wrecker driver a job which took him from the family a lot…however as a result everything we have we own and making burdens during these difficult times easier. He said I need security should this be the way the dr.s say it will go, but I have that because of his labor to provide for our family. He sees his 10 yrs totally different than I do that is for sure. Where we missed him those years he is with us now and I feel it is making us treasure the now in the moment even more than had he always had the luxury to be around. Just wish he could see that.

Jan 23: It’s not about finding someone who won’t fight with you, or make you mad or sad. It’s about finding the person who will be standing there wiping the tears away, holding you in their arms after a fight and the one who will not walk out on you no matter how difficult things get. Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don’t
GOOD MORNING TO EVERYONE OUT THERE!! Lots to do today but number one on the list to cherish every minute good or bad as its the link to the next level of what ever path I am to be on.

Today Carl had his appt with naturopath and nutrition wise Carl is doing good according to Naturopath. She is increasing his melatonin to 20mg and Vit D to 5000IU, adding back in curcumin, and a higher potency probiotic. Otherwise other than a couple other possibles depending on treatment she said there isn’t much else on her end that needs to change for him 🙂 So tomorrow PETscan, hopefully my sisters baby goes home finally from hospital Keenan seems to be doing better been w/o oxygen since last night so keep prayers going his way too.

Jan 24: Today and tomorrow are going to be long days. the weekend felt long and drawn out even though we were crazy busy. Today is the long petscan day tomorrow results.

Jan 25: good news it hasn’t spread:) not so good news or same news still being listed as stage 4 in his liver. Dr. here said if he were to keep him here he would just put him on chemo, watch and see where it goes hope for a year or two, but said he would like to send him to more aggressive dr.s in Denver. He would like to see how they would handle this. surgery might be an option but until they see him we won’t know. Still a lot of this or that scenario and really until they call from Denver with appt we won’t know much more. Thanks everyone for prayers and support. So holding on to it hasn’t spread from what they see right now. But is huge for someone with no real markers and that just had a ct scan in July and in Nov. this I think is where he wants to send him to more experienced dr.s

Jan 26: Carl shocks me and actually signs up for facebook he said shhhh don’t tell the kids yet but how do I set this thing up.   After getting it set up I told him finally I get to be married on facebook. Panda enjoying a good belly rub with my nails was his photo of choice to be his main photo people saw.  He said it might scare them enough to stay away lol. Still remains that today as I have not yet shut down his page…just not ready for that yet.

Having crazy winter weather this year.  Not much snow and now rain and hail?  By days end I had decided Anything is possible with the right attitude, a sledge hammer and some duct tape! was having one of those days when she thinks too much! you know like wondering if there is such a thing as being too healthy, is chemo really necessary, is this as bad as they say, is there another solution blah blah blah!  Excited however that Panda weighs 31.5 lbs

Jan 27: to my amazing husband Carl when I first saw you I was afraid to meet you -once I met you I was afraid to kiss you- once I kissed you I was afraid to love you -Now I’m afraid to lose you. Sometimes the best gift isn’t even a gift at all that you receive, but in fact something that came into your life by fate ♥ when you find true love you just know. you have no doubts at all. you can feel it in your soul and I have been fortunate to have found you all those years ago. We are going to have ups and downs during this newest trial in our lives. It sucks the big one but as anything in our lives we will get thru this hand in hand. My dad was right we were meant for each other and if we weren’t he never would have walked me down the aisle and entrust me in your care. ♥ you more ;p

Jan 28th Inger draws/writes out her frustrations of this disease.  BTW never take Inger to laundromat- just saying….the other day she was in the dryer because it was warm and it was super cold in the building. When she came out someone asked did you just come out of the dryer to which she replied w/o missing a beat no I just came from Narnia thanks for asking.

The greatest thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and differences and still finds you absolutely amazing. When I look back on my life, I see pain, mistakes, heartache, and sadness. When I look in the mirror, I see strength, learned lessons, and pride in myself.

Life is like a book. Some chapters sad, some happy, and some exciting. But if you never turn the page… you will never know what the next chapter holds.

One of our RV neighbors gave this Amazing frame work he did by hand- by Eric W. Engen -as a gift to Carl tonight. He felt a connection to Carl as his mom too had cancer and decided to make it for him. Saw this photo and knew Carls love of this lifestyle and felt it fit perfectly.

Serious ring search has begun as we are going to renew our vows this summer vs next year.  I should have done it already but I wanted certain things like pay off bills so I could save for dress and things I wanted but we couldn’t afford the first time around.  None of that matters now only that I get to remarry the man I love so much!!

Jan 30th: We will be heading to Denver Feb 12 for preop consult on the 14th and surgery the 15th…yes Valentines…earliest they could get him in and said sooner was better than later. Dr might need to take gall bladder as well but will see after he gets in there. He will be in Denver approx 10days. The dr. said definitely w/o being aggressive he has maybe 3-6ish months. Chemo is recommended approx 8weeks after that to begin. Dr. here didn’t sound quiet as hopeful that surgery was an option, Denver says he is candidate for resection but not ablation. I won’t be able to stay with him due to finances. I will take him stay until after surgery then come home to work. Pray that our family has strength to get thru this. Benjamin doesn’t know and not sure if anyone would be able to take him and Sam in while we are gone but if someone could that would be appreciated.  We did end up telling Benjamin and he was glad we did and so were we.  HE made the personal choice of not wanting to go said it is too hard on him to see his dad hooked up to wires and stuff.

As for me not sure if I was more stressed at the knowledge of another tumor and words spoken by Dr. or now that there are plans in place for its removal!! I totally may have lost my mind, but it’s okay it’s backed up on disk …somewhere… I think! I have work to help occupy me and part of it is something I can do away from home so that is helpful.

Feb 2012 brings much from Whitney Houston dying, Carl went to the last minute Bridal Fair at the Depot here in Billings with me, Even went and got me coffee 🙂 I kept myself extremely busy with work up until we drove out of town on the 14th for Denver.  I have decided with all the stress I am under if it could burn calories I should look like a superstar by now but alas I think it only adds to the weighty issue rather than burn it off.

Last time Carl was on a horse he looked so happy this will forever more be imprinted in my brain

Feb 7th: I Really do have an amazing husband. Wasn’t feeling well at all yesterday but he drove me to work and back home when I didn’t have to do anything, let me sleep all day, watched a show with me last night, has let me just chill and relax today and now is making a steak dinner complete with baked potato:) he is pretty much irreplaceable! ♥ you

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