Not sure what is bringing it on today
but the waterworks are flowing
Well never mind there it took me starting this blog entry and looking
at the date and time
tonight marks exactly 2 months you
have been gone.
This bereavement process sucks to say the least
It hits me out of no where without my knowledge,
without my permission…
Counselor this morning said I looked great
it felt good to get a compliment
when inside I wanted to cry
but I was having a good day, then I realized song after song today
have made me think of you
Doesn’t seem to matter what channel
the car, the hospital, the coffee shop
Came across something this morning:
When you lose someone you were close to,
you have to reassess your picture of the world and your place in it.
The more your identity was wrapped up with the deceased, the more difficult the loss.
It speaks so true.
Every morning I wake up forgetting for only a moment you are gone
I am guessing letting go is my lesson in this process
The best I can do is honor your spirit, keep you alive
help our children remember you and to not forget
what an amazing man and father you are.
I try to help remind them the things you taught
I feel this is the best way to keep your spirit alive for them.
You would be so proud of Benjamin where I did
get on to him he came back with a legit
he found a handgun we got it turned in to the cops
The cop thanked him for being a responsible young man
he didn’t go off playing with it, but he did pick it up and bring it to the house
I told him he knew better he was suppose to get an adult
and not only did he pick it up he unloaded it
he said you taught him to not walk with a loaded gun
he also picked it up to bring in because there are other young
kids in the park and he didn’t want one of them
finding it because their parents may not have taught them to leave
the gun alone.
I was proud of him for thinking in such a fashion.
Funny how one person missing it seems
the whole world feels empty
and in many respects you were my world
my everything and I miss you more with each passing day
I found myself this week worrying what if I don’t find another person
to share this life with….not that I am ready right now….
I went from no never you are my only one to fear of being alone
Then I came across something
and as we know what we put out is what we attract
It was something along the lines
of putting out vibes of lonliness and sadness it is what we will attract
during our darkest hour
I don’t want to attract those things
I want someone when the time is right full of life
So I will work thru this grief process a moment at a time
and when or if it is meant for me to no longer be alone
I will know when I am ready or when the time is right
If I worry about it that is all I will attract.
There are worse things than being alone and really I am not
I have our kids, my job, my business, family, friends etc
I know I must persevere, follow my heart, find reasons to smile,
I know that life is short, that your love will get me thru some of my darker days,
Our love is Eternal, our vows said til death do we part, but I don’t feel that has been the case
you are very much part of me still.
I even came across something that said being a widow
is a title I need to learn to be proud of!! Hopefully in time
I can come to understand and harness that one.