One of those days

Not sure what is bringing it on today

but the waterworks are flowing


Well never mind there it took me starting this blog entry and looking

at the date and time

tonight marks exactly 2 months you

have been gone.

This bereavement process sucks to say the least

It hits me out of no where without my knowledge,

without my permission…

Counselor this morning said I looked great

it felt good to get a compliment

when inside I wanted to cry

but I was having a good day, then I realized song after song today

have made me think of you

Doesn’t seem to matter what channel

the car, the hospital, the coffee shop

Came across something this morning:

When you lose someone you were close to,

you have to reassess your picture of the world and your place in it.

The more your identity was wrapped up with the deceased, the more difficult the loss.

It speaks so true.

Every morning I wake up forgetting for only a moment you are gone

I am guessing letting go is my lesson in this process

The best I can do is honor your spirit, keep you alive

 help our children remember you and to not forget

what an amazing man and father you are.

I try to help remind them the things you taught

I feel this is the best way to keep your spirit alive for them.

You would be so proud of Benjamin where I did

get on to him he came back with a legit


he found a handgun we got it turned in to the cops

The cop thanked him for being a responsible young man

he didn’t go off playing with it, but he did pick it up and bring it to the house

I told him he knew better he was suppose to get an adult

and not only did he pick it up he unloaded it

he said you taught him to not walk with a loaded gun

he also picked it up to bring in because there are other young

kids in the park and he didn’t want one of them

finding it because their parents may not have taught them to leave

the gun alone.

I was proud of him for thinking in such a fashion.

Funny how one person missing it seems

the whole world feels empty

and in many respects you were my world

my everything and I miss you more with each passing day

I found myself this week worrying what if I don’t find another person

to share this life with….not that I am ready right now….

I went from no never you are my only one to fear of being alone

Then I came across something

and as we know what we put out is what we attract

It was something along the lines

of putting out vibes of lonliness and sadness it is what we will attract

during our darkest hour

I don’t want to attract those things

I want someone when the time is right full of life

So I will work thru this grief process a moment at a time

and when or if it is meant for me to no longer be alone

I will know when I am ready or when the time is right

If I worry about it that is all I will attract.

There are worse things than being alone and really I am not

I have our kids, my job, my business, family, friends etc

I know I must persevere, follow my heart, find reasons to smile,

I know that life is short, that your love will get me thru some of my darker days,

Our love is Eternal, our vows said til death do we part, but I don’t feel that has been the case

you are very much part of me still.

I even came across something that said being a widow

is a title I need to learn to be proud of!!  Hopefully in time

I can come to understand and harness that one.

“When tears come, I breathe deeply and rest. I know I am swimming in a hallowed stream, where many have gone before. I am not alone, crazy or having a nervous breakdown. My heart is at work. My soul is awake.”
~Mary Margaret Frik~

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