14 weeks is upon us

Book recommendations:

gotta love the Chicken Soup series.  Here is the cheapest I have found.

I have already had the worse day of my life imagineable

My worse fear has happened…I am left alone w/o my husband

by my side.

However..I am still here..

Surviving

I made it thru that horrible moment

even the days that followed

Most days are still blurs for me

Some days are better than others

Not sure what my worse time of day is really

During the day itself as long as no one mentions Carls name

or something triggers thoughts of him

(For Example 3rd floor Oncology on my way to L&D)

I do okay I stay on autopilot though “widowbrain”

kicks in and on some levels he is always on my mind

I can’t remember anything even if it happened 2 minutes ago

Evenings I was use to him working in the field

being a wrecker driver so kinda got use to and

even enjoying quiet evenings to myself

So I am guessing mornings are the worse for me

rolling over and nobody is there.

This week has been interesting.  I fell asleep

after work one late afternoon I knew I was tired but didn’t realize

just how tired.  I woke 2hrs later swearing Carl was trying to kiss me

No -the dogs weren’t in the room so it wasn’t one of them

licking me…I felt his presence as if he was right here

I didn’t want to wake up.

I wanted to hold on to the moment

I haven’t yet 3 days later decided if this

was comforting or sad

a bit of both perhaps.

Maybe his way of telling me I will be okay

I will be able to move on and he is here to help me do that

I will keep listening

I will keep journaling

in hopes to keep seeing my story unfold

For now letting the tears flow as they must

knowing they are watering my soul

helping me to grow

I have to remember that what has happened

is beyond my control

and I have to remember we did what we thought

was right as that is what was within our control.

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