Little Moments

The little things I think are what were the big things

the call at any moment of the day just to say I love you

my phone was always ringing from him for stupid stuff

or I will be home for lunch can you get it ready

whats for dinner

did you hear on the radio

can you believe

Today is one of those days I guess

tears streaming w/o warning and no way to shut them down

He wasn’t a big texter but was exciting when I would get one from him

because I knew how much he despised cellphones

and really came kicking into the 21st century

technology end of things

so to get a text of I love you meant so much more

than even a call to say it because he took the time to text

on his plain, simple non keyboard phone.

yep it is one of those days today this is all I want to do

We finally got details on autopsy report…

there is no medical reason they could find for him to have left us

making this a little harder than before

in fact they couldn’t find why he would have even had cancer

he was healthy

they found nothing they would typically find

in someone sick enough to die

yet was actually so healthy.

So is listed as secondary organ failure

with really no main cause

Remaining liver was good

no blood clots, good blood flow, no blocks of any kind.

Dr. said this happens in about 1-2% of patients

he is baffled as he really hoped to find help for the next person

in same situation and he has no more now than before autopsy

Was this a mind over matter situation?

He went in firmly believing the only way to take

care of us again was to die

he felt he was a burden because of his illness

he felt like a failure because he was doing everything

they say is right and he was so sick

the fathers day gift we got Carl last year for Fathers Day finally got to see water.

last year we had so many floods that we were waiting for a good day

but those either presented he wasn’t feeling good,

I was working, or we didn’t have money to fuel the truck.

So we went to visit some friends this past weekend and rafted down the river

Saw a beautiful bald eagle flying

twin fawns

got a few drops of rain but nothing much

kids had a blast

and that is what it was about

enjoying time with others and the view given to us

the little stolen moments life presented

Today I had to fill out for an emergency contact for new hospital

it hit me I really don’t have one anymore

Carl has been that person for nearly 20yrs

Kelda doesn’t yet drive, but is the only person to be in touch with

nearby….

I suppose I could put my inlaws but they are on the east coast.

At least they want to be a part of our lives

even though their son has passed away.

It saddens me the stories I have read lately from other widows

where the inlaws family want nothing to do with them

once their child/family member passes

I am glad my kids won’t be experiencing that.

Today trying to remember this….

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