The little things I think are what were the big things
the call at any moment of the day just to say I love you
my phone was always ringing from him for stupid stuff
or I will be home for lunch can you get it ready
whats for dinner
did you hear on the radio
can you believe
Today is one of those days I guess
tears streaming w/o warning and no way to shut them down
He wasn’t a big texter but was exciting when I would get one from him
because I knew how much he despised cellphones
and really came kicking into the 21st century
technology end of things
so to get a text of I love you meant so much more
than even a call to say it because he took the time to text
on his plain, simple non keyboard phone.
yep it is one of those days today this is all I want to do
We finally got details on autopsy report…
there is no medical reason they could find for him to have left us
making this a little harder than before
in fact they couldn’t find why he would have even had cancer
he was healthy
they found nothing they would typically find
in someone sick enough to die
yet was actually so healthy.
So is listed as secondary organ failure
with really no main cause
Remaining liver was good
no blood clots, good blood flow, no blocks of any kind.
Dr. said this happens in about 1-2% of patients
he is baffled as he really hoped to find help for the next person
in same situation and he has no more now than before autopsy
Was this a mind over matter situation?
He went in firmly believing the only way to take
care of us again was to die
he felt he was a burden because of his illness
he felt like a failure because he was doing everything
they say is right and he was so sick
the fathers day gift we got Carl last year for Fathers Day finally got to see water.
last year we had so many floods that we were waiting for a good day
but those either presented he wasn’t feeling good,
I was working, or we didn’t have money to fuel the truck.
So we went to visit some friends this past weekend and rafted down the river
Saw a beautiful bald eagle flying
got a few drops of rain but nothing much
kids had a blast
and that is what it was about
enjoying time with others and the view given to us
the little stolen moments life presented
Today I had to fill out for an emergency contact for new hospital
it hit me I really don’t have one anymore
Carl has been that person for nearly 20yrs
Kelda doesn’t yet drive, but is the only person to be in touch with
I suppose I could put my inlaws but they are on the east coast.
At least they want to be a part of our lives
even though their son has passed away.
It saddens me the stories I have read lately from other widows
where the inlaws family want nothing to do with them
once their child/family member passes
I am glad my kids won’t be experiencing that.
Today trying to remember this….