Blessed Yule

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As the Christmas cards have rolled in, customers calling to schedule their appts for photos, Christmas music playing in every store entered and periodically on the radio one would think I would be more in the spirit.  Really in some ways I am, but I’m not.  I could cancel Christmas I suppose if I wanted to, but I don’t want to. My year has been showing the kids we have to move on if I “cancel” Christmas it will undo a years worth of work!  I think of Christmas’ past and laugh and so grateful to be able to do so.  I was upset at myself knowing this holiday was on its way and I left all of our decorations in storage in Montana from my last trip!!!  BUT you know what its okay we have an amazing neighbor that had extras she didn’t need and where I had other ideas so did my pocketbook so we took her up on her offer and used them.  I still kept tradition of getting each child a new ornament, we got new stockings, decked out the house and used Carls cowboy hat as our tree topper, his cane as a socking holder so it is like he is still part of our holiday celebrations. If we had his stocking here with us not sure what I would do with it.  It is one he had since childhood.  I may just pack it away in the end with his baby book and bring it out some day for his grandkids.

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 As sad as this time of year could be there have been so many blessings….

The kids and I are healthy, making new memories, still have each other.  Personally I HATE that my facebook says I am widowed…Im too young for such title aren’t I?  I have a friend that says she is in an open relationship with her late husband which is great and I have considered that option but for now it remains widow.  I am a family person I miss having that someone coming home, to have dinner ready for, do things for him should he be sick, to have that someone there for me equally.  To talk to about anything or nothing at all.  I choose to find happiness and keep moving forward.  I will take my moment to grieve not having my husband of nearly 20 years but to sit and be sad, cancel Christmas is not what he would have wanted.  I am sure he still expects me to hold up tradition of no gifts til I have had my coffee Christmas morning just to antagonize the kids and make them laugh and aggravated.

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Our crazy family photo this year…decided to keep it low key, new jammies style

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Inger says we got this handled and under control…always my upbeat optimistic child 🙂  And she is right we got this!!

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Totally awesome blessing this year is to be able to have the opportunity to see my amazing great grandma Rosie 97 yrs young!!

We haven’t seen her in 10 yrs.  Benjamin was 2 1/2yrs old and banging his head on her hard floors.  She remember this

and can’t believe what a young handsome man he has turned into.

Also pictured is her sister my great great aunt Leona 91 yrs young. Kelda snapped this photo so I could be in it.

Might have to break out my mad photoshop skills and merge the photo of her in the photo so we are all in one photo.

Benjamin HATES photos it is always a chore with him 😦 Ah well some day he will be happy to have them.

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Well not the best Santa but was twas the night before Kelda turned 18 I got one last “non adult” photo of all the kids

This first year has been like a roller coaster -which btw we went on one last week and yes it is much how my life has felt this year, ups, downs, twists, turns, pauses and off again and sudden stops.

Getting thru this first year it’s like winding a ball of string.  You start with an end thinking you got it you are living life day to day, then you wind, wind and wind, Then the ball slips through your fingers and rolls across the floor. Some of the work is undone, but not all. You pick it up and start over again, but never do you have to begin at the end of the string. The ball never completely unwinds; you’ve made some progress.  Next to the roller coaster I can say this is the best example I have come across to explain the first year of grief.

I started this year crying tears of sadness as one love left, lived a year of seeing daily miracles and inspiration, how precious and fragile life truly is was felt, learned and witnessed first hand,  friends that helped keep me lifted and constantly checked in on me, whoever I find won’t replace the spot Carl holds in my heart, but he will definitely add to the person I am today and everything I could have wished for.

I pray for everyone that is grieving any loss this year…do what is right for you.  Maybe it is helping at a local shelter, spending it alone shut indoors, or who knows but it has to be right for you at this very phase in your grief cycle.

Merry Christmas and Blessed Yule to all my friends, family and readers.

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