Yearlys

hat

We are hitting the height of the yearly sadiversaries!!!

10 days from now I was entrusted to care for the cowboy hat

as he went thru those doors that forever more changed our world

A love that ran so deep that has caused much deeper pain

A quote on the back of the Joyce Carol Oates book, A Widow’s Story, reads

“of the widow’s countless death-duties there is really just one that matters:

on the first anniversary of her husband’s death, the widow should think ‘I kept myself alive.’ ”

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And you know what I DID!!!  I didn’t die that day I survived

I am still here for OUR kids. I felt like dying as the world I knew was gone

This first year can be wrapped up as a surreal haze

complete year of emotional rollercoasters

I know he didn’t officially take those final breaths until March 23rd but

the painful weeks in ICU that led up to it watching

it all unfold were pure torcher

Watching the strongest man I knew slowly go downhill since 2010

This man had lived thru broken bones, driven big trucks with a broken ankle,

serving his time in the US ARMY

was a proud American and for all it stood for

worked looong hours to support his family

never once complaining about what he felt were his duties

always protecting and taking care of us

its the cowboy way, ethics in which they live by, you ride for the brand

heck even survive flipping our truck right after he was done with cancer treatments

you name it and cancer…cancer slowly took him down

while we his family painfully watched and helped him battle

yet his final coherent words to me were never give up!!!

Hands

Maybe it is in part what keeps me going is we NEVER gave up on anything

and life threw us plenty of curveballs

Before surgery his biggest fear wasn’t the cancer or whether he would win this battle

it was me finding love again when he was gone…

THAT is how much he loved me

So as weak as the illness made him his will, heart and love was still strong

to his dying breath

and it takes a lot for a man to say to his wife

promise me…please go find love again

I look at this upcoming milestone this first year mark of all that I have

accomplished by myself as a single mom

Fortunately in some respects being the wife of a cowboy

made me strong and gave me the skills necessary

as you learn to survive life by whatever means it takes

His passing from this life was a new ride to learn

new journey to travel

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where no two days are alike in the life of a cowboy

neither were they on this journey I have been on

I have been living a new normal

Through many many MANY lonely sleepless nights

I have survived. our kids have survived

and maybe we are stronger today as a result of all we experienced

Your strength in those our last words have given me strength as well as our faith

to continue and Love I have found and as we close up this 1 year of emotional crazy

you will NEVER be forgotten but memories always cherished

as we move on to this new chapter of our lives

He is all I could have hoped for and I feel blessed every day that he entered our lives

I know you had some part to do with it…too many signs to say otherwise…

I told you to send me clear messages that my stubbornness could see thru

and that was done.

So I end this year of pain to be replaced with absolute happiness in my life again

You may finally rest in peace knowing we are okay

I have indeed found a new true love that fits who I am today

I think we need each other

I hope to show him what true love is

for as much as he promises to care and love us.

As he put it we are riding on faith

he even sent an out of blue text today to say Smile it only gets better

as I was on the verge of tears in writing this blog entry

Its time to let another cowboy take the reigns and he is doing great

For those that are just joining ….

our journey began May 2010 when Cancer struck

and ended March 2012

feel free to read thru the blog.  I hope our travels thru this help another that may be in need at this time.

Many blessings of love to you whatever your situation may be.

Death is not always the end…sometimes its the open door to a new beginning

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