What a difference a year makes
This time last year we were exhausted I worked clean up until we drove out of town
got the kids at their new locations and from driving all
night in the possible chance of event of snow storm actually hitting
It had been a very mild winter
We had great roads so you said lets keep going
stopped for VERY late dinner at Village Inn in Casper
was really good best we had in awhile
even got educated (after you were jokingly upset they didn’t have
your favorite hot sauce) about the number system
on the bottom of Tabasco bottles they found a number that met
your desires lol I think we left a pretty good tip that night.
The waitress said you act like a new couple are you
newlyweds celebrating an early Valentines.
You proudly said nope she has been the love of my life
since 1993. She was rather shocked as many are 🙂
Valentines early morning hours we had breakfast at Dennys
as we had a little time to kill before able to get into hotel
to get some sleep. If we checked in at the hour we got there
we would have had to pay an extra night.
got checked in at 5 a.m., followed by some sleep
then went thru grueling loooong process of pre-op
trying to find our way thru the Aurora hospital
which I now know like the back of my hand.
lots of bloodwork as if it were the first time ever going thru it all
going thru Dr. after Dr. of your team that I would soon learn
I would spend weeks on end with and learning way more than I ever cared to know.
When they finished the Dr. looked at us and said so any questions
this is risky but we feel we can do this and everything
I have mentioned is rare to happen so very slim
chance and you can cancel at anytime clean up until we are putting you under.
I said one question are you sure you want to do this
because this man doesn’t do anything according to the normal
EVER for ANYTHING!! Dr. laughed
I said I am not joking. When Carl gave me the date of surgery
I immediately said no
But it was the only appt we could get for some time
Feb 15, 2000 is the day my dear grandmother passed away
she helped raise me when I was younger until we left Texas.
I was pregnant with our son.
Its my sisters birthday, only a Month later on March 16 my dad dies
I don’t like this time of year far too much pain.
Something doesn’t feel right.
The day before we were to leave not one, but BOTH trucks
were stone cold dead for no reason at all
I told Carl it was another sign
but he insisted it was his only chance to live longer
he wanted to see his kids grow up as long as possible
and if this bought him another 2 years vs 2-3 mos
he was going to do this.
I couldn’t argue with him on his point but my gut
my heart said no what if…
My feelings had never been so strong
But as anything in our marriage I supported his
decision. It was his body, his mind was made up
I loved him for doing what he thought was best
But a conversation that will always
haunt me was on our drive to Denver saying
the only way he could take care of the family again
is to die. Not being able to work and support the family
killed him as much as watching me wear myself thin
to financially support, take care of him, our kids and home
while he tried to heal and get better it wasn’t meant to be.
Some days I think where he LOVED spending more time with the kids
that watching me do what he felt to be his job killed him more than the cancer itself.
I have to work today on this yearly anniversary it was much too late for me to ask to not work
by the time it dawned on me I was working.
A touch of anxiety has set in and I find I don’t want to be here.
I do have a new love in my life
something I didn’t expect would actually happen even though I promised I would
but the more we talk the more in love I fall
My biggest fear now is smothering him with love
because I have been down this long dark lonely road
after having had a true love in my life and have learned
exactly what is important and what isn’t
and Valentines Day to me just doesn’t mean the same as it once ever did
EVERY day should be Valentines if you take it in its commercialized meaning
You don’t know when your love will no longer be here
it isn’t about the candy, the roses, gifts etc just appreciate what you have
Like Tim McGraws song goes Live like you were Dying
you do love deeper because losing someone or knowing you are dying
it hits you the true meaning of life and the values that go with it.