Happy Valentines Day

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What a difference a year makes

This time last year we were exhausted I worked clean up until we drove out of town

got the kids at their new locations and from driving all

night in the possible chance of event of snow storm actually hitting

It had been a very mild winter

We had great roads so you said lets keep going

stopped for VERY late dinner at Village Inn in Casper

was really good best we had in awhile

even got educated (after you were jokingly upset they didn’t have

your favorite hot sauce) about the number system

on the bottom of Tabasco bottles they found a number that met

your desires lol I think we left a pretty good tip that night.

The waitress said you act like a new couple are you

newlyweds celebrating an early Valentines.

You proudly said nope she has been the love of my life

since 1993. She was rather shocked as many are 🙂

Valentines early morning hours we had breakfast at Dennys

as we had a little time to kill before able to get into hotel

to get some sleep.  If we checked in at the hour we got there

we would have had to pay an extra night.

got checked in at 5 a.m., followed by some sleep

then went thru grueling loooong process of pre-op

trying to find our way thru the Aurora hospital

which I now know like the back of my hand.

lots of bloodwork as if it were the first time ever going thru it all

going thru Dr. after Dr. of your team that I would soon learn

I would spend weeks on end with and learning way more than I ever cared to know.

When they finished the Dr. looked at us and said so any questions

this is risky but we feel we can do this and everything

I have mentioned is rare to happen so very slim

chance and you can cancel at anytime clean up until we are putting you under.

I said one question are you sure you want to do this

because this man doesn’t do anything according to the normal

EVER for ANYTHING!!  Dr. laughed

I said I am not joking. When Carl gave me the date of surgery

I immediately said no

But it was the only appt we could get for some time

Feb 15, 2000 is the day my dear grandmother passed away

she helped raise me when I was younger until we left Texas.

I was pregnant with our son.

Its my sisters birthday, only a Month later on March 16 my dad dies

I don’t like this time of year far too much pain.

Something doesn’t feel right.

The day before we were to leave not one, but BOTH trucks

were stone cold dead for no reason at all

I told Carl it was another sign

but he insisted it was his only chance to live longer

he wanted to see his kids grow up as long as possible

and if this bought him another 2 years vs 2-3 mos

he was going to do this.

I couldn’t argue with him on his point but my gut

my heart said no what if…

My feelings had never been so strong

But as anything in our marriage I supported his

decision.  It was his body, his mind was made up

I loved him for doing what he thought was best

But a conversation that will always

haunt me was on our drive to Denver saying

the only way he could take care of the family again

is to die.  Not being able to work and support the family

killed him as much as watching me wear myself thin

to financially support, take care of him, our kids and home

while he tried to heal and get better it wasn’t meant to be.

Some days I think where he LOVED spending more time with the kids

that watching me do what he felt to be his job killed him more than the cancer itself.

I have to work today on this yearly anniversary it was much too late for me to ask to not work

by the time it dawned on me I was working.

A touch of anxiety has set in and I find I don’t want to be here.

I do have a new love in my life

something I didn’t expect would actually happen even though I promised I would

but the more we talk the more in love I fall

My biggest fear now is smothering him with love

because I have been down this long dark lonely road

after having had a true love in my life and have learned

exactly what is important and what isn’t

and Valentines Day to me just doesn’t mean the same as it once ever did

EVERY day should be Valentines if you take it in its commercialized meaning

You don’t know when your love will no longer be here

it isn’t about the candy, the roses, gifts etc just appreciate what you have

Like Tim McGraws song goes Live like you were Dying

you do love deeper because losing someone or knowing you are dying

it hits you the true meaning of life and the values that go with it.

desaturated-rose

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